Changing One Mind
Changing One Mind by Karen Izzo; first published in Options, Vol. XXVI No. 1, February 2007
“You have to tell him how dangerous that lifestyle is. There are diseases. And drugs. If that’s his choice you know I love him no matter what; it doesn’t change anything, but that lifestyle is just very destructive.”
We had finally told my husband’s little brother “Joe” that his nephew, our oldest son, is gay. As the youngest of five in a traditional, Italian Catholic family, Joe was the last to know. It was his reaction we feared the most.
We knew he wouldn’t reject Jack, but we also knew he had deeply held beliefs about what it means to be gay. They were convictions derived from Catholic teachings and media stereotypes, but the root of the misconceptions nevertheless ran deep. We listened to his admonishments and gently asserted that being gay is not a lifestyle, not a choice. He just as gently insisted we were wrong. We quietly stressed that being gay did not equate to promiscuity and drugs any more than did being straight. He just as quietly stressed that we were mistaken.
Joe’s warnings regarding his nephew’s “gay lifestyle choice” were offered out of love. But they were deeply upsetting. How could Jack feel comfortable at family gatherings, knowing his Uncle Joe’s assumptions about his life? In typical fashion, I wanted to force-feed Joe the truth. I wanted to dissect for him the lies he’d accepted. I wanted tear apart the years of propaganda he’d embraced. Immediately.
But my husband knew that meeting his brother’s beliefs with full-frontal assault would only alienate him. In the two years since learning that our oldest son is gay, I’ve accepted that my husband’s method of promoting equality, which is Ghandiesque in its use of dignified resistance, is far superior to what he affectionately labels my “scorched earth” policy. And though he admits my cutting rebukes are sometimes effective in the face of bigotry, he has taught me that such weapons of mass destruction are rarely warranted.
My husband’s kinder, gentler form of education, which involves simply leading by example, was certainly the remedy in the case of his brother. In the months after we shared with Joe that Jack is gay, every extended family gathering included Jack and his boyfriend Mike. Joe heard his 13 year old niece and 17 year old nephew, Jack’s younger siblings, talk casually and lovingly of going to the movies or mall with Jack and Mike. Joe saw that Jack was still the same great kid he helped raise. And the destructive gay lifestyle Joe had pictured didn’t just didn’t fit. Not because we had told Joe it didn’t fit. Not because he read the evidence proving it didn’t fit. But because he witnessed himself that the reality of his nephew simply defied the faulty picture in his head.
And then something profound occurred. Joe became another quiet advocate for gay rights. I’m sure he doesn’t see it that way and would likely feel uncomfortable with the label, but he recently did more to support his nephew than anyone else in the family has ever done.
It came in the form of a wedding invitation for Jack and his boyfriend. Joe and his fiancé had planned a big church wedding and reception, and the entire extended family would be there. Although everyone knew Jack is gay, there were widely disparate viewpoints, ranging from one awful 70 year old “devout Christian” who casually spits out the word “faggot,” to relatives who love him but pray for his recovery, to enlightened aunts and uncles who support Jack wholeheartedly.
Most of the more conservative-minded guests likely assumed Joe was disapproving of Jack’s “unfortunate lifestyle.” Yet, in one simple gesture, Joe squelched their ignorance and unequivocally put himself squarely in Jack’s corner. In front of the entire church, Jack and his boyfriend walked up the aisle together along with other honored family members just before the bridal party entered. They linked arms with a multi-generational crowd learning the bride’s traditional Greek wedding dances. They spent most of the night keeping Jack’s rambunctious younger cousins entertained on the dance floor. And although we know there were a few murmurs of disapproval, it didn’t matter. What mattered instead was the loving acceptance from Joe and his wife, the pure, non-judging adoration from Jack’s siblings and cousins, and the fact that so many people witnessed both. The lesson? Ghandi said it best: “whenever we have truth it must be given with love…,” because in doing so, we can change one mind. And that mind can change another. And that mind can change another. It happened in our family. We hope it happens in yours.
By Karen Izzo, PFLAG of South/Central Rhode Island
